Malcontent

It feels like everyone these days is telling me what I should be. I don’t mean this as a direct sort of telling, more overt subliminal messaging. I do appreciate the contradiction of this, but it seems more an apt example of the time. We are getting to a point where there are so many choices of what to do, what ‘dream’ you want to follow. It doesn’t seem to suffice anymore to just live life - whatever that means to you. Life is such a subjective thing, and yet it’s marketed as this thing that we can buy. You can purchase the complete package with the right education, the right resume, the right job, the right choices and the right outcome. No one seems interested in the fact that life just isn’t that prescribed. Things get in the way of choices, not to mention the fact that we all make bad ones. We’re meant to be well-rounded human beings. But whose description of well rounded? Just because I’m intelligent means I shouldn’t work a blue collar job. You just haven’t ‘made it yet’ if you’re just content working a job that pays enough money to feed the family and enjoy a few little luxuries. By luxuries I do not mean an extra house on the lake or a pet tiger. Little luxuries should be things like a lovely dinner, or a day at the beach with friends. Aren’t these things that we should aspire to? But now we’re being told that you can have extravagant luxuries, and you don’t even need to do that much to get them - be in the right place at the right time, marry into it, be born into it. Not only can you have them, but you should have them. This is the scary thing that people are aspiring to. Having everything and putting in nothing. And this society tells us it is possible. You also have people that work their nails to the bone for little reward.

The western world is quite simply starting to demand too much. Be happy with what you have, but make sure you’re always striving for more. Work hard at a career and make enough money to live in luxury, but always make sure you have enough time for your family. Be nice and kind to your fellow man, but make sure they don’t stand in the way of your success. And once you achieve all of this, there is someone on facebook who is doing it better. No matter what life you lead, no matter what path you choose, someone is desperately trying to make sure they look like they do it better. This is a symptom of our modern age, and one that scares me. Where can it go from here? Why is it not enough to be happy in my own right? Media has a large hand in this, but we can’t forgo our own responsibility altogether. They merely manipulated a weak spot that already existed, and we weren’t strong enough or smart enough to see what was happening. Over the last few years we have started to identify ourselves by our internet presence. We function almost purely through perception on the internet, and that perception can be altered with a little manicure. Somewhere along the line we got it into our heads that most people are better off than ourselves, regardless of our personal achievement. Our actual selves are becoming even more intangible, something defined by a bunch of codes floating through the ether. How on earth are we meant to ‘find ourselves’ when our personalities are not something within us, but something we manufacture? We are consistently pushing that sense of self to be defined by the realms of others, although this is not a new phenomenon.

I have a loving boyfriend, an incredible family and a personal history that is enviable by most. Yet I still look through facebook and wonder what I’m doing wrong. I can’t seem to pull myself into the present. I’m stuck loitering over the past and worrying about the future. It is a big cliche, but perhaps known that way to take the wind out of its sails, to debunk it as an out of date notion; Live for the moment. Perhaps this statement has fallen into the book of cliche because people realise how little they do it. They see people who do and they are known as irresponsible, head in the clouds, unrealistic, sponges of society. This seems to cover up a longing - an overarching jealousy of the lifestyle. Media’s rhetoric really can have a big impact in this, and we have seen plenty of films which have this free spirit character as support. When in the lead, it is simply serendipitous events that lead to success. They fail to mention that most of people’s success has at least a small thank you to say to serendipity. As a society we very much live in the now. The future is too scary a thing to contemplate in its entirety, and yet again we miss the point. We must much more concentrate on the future of our civilisation, and the now of ourselves. While this may sound like a contradiction, there are many other areas of life which are contrary and we ask no questions.

There was only a small time in my adult life where I didn’t feel inadequate in some way. It was a time when I thought purely of myself and very little of the past or the future. I used to walk down the street and look at people and think ‘God, I’m glad I’m not them. I’m glad I’m me, and gosh I wish they knew what I did last night so they know how much they’re missing out on.’ In less than 10 years I’ve flipped the coin and now look at almost everyone with an eye of envy. “I bet they’re going home to the most amazing house, and that it’s filled with friends and family, and they’re dinner is going to be joyous and everyone there will enjoy every minute of it. And then they’ll go to a job they love, where there earn exactly what they feel they deserve, and the job is one that leaves them feeling whole at the end of the day. I bet they do something that matters, and I bet they holiday in Brazil with lots of friends who all think that they’re amazing. I bet they do really interesting things on the weekend, and help orphan children in their spare time.” And you know what? This time coincided with the days before I used Facebook, refused to jump on the bandwagon. This is no coincidence, and it’s making everyone unhappy with their lot in life.

It’s about time we sat down and re-evaluated things. Stopped pushing everyone to be the best they can be, and make sure they’re happy while they’re doing it. It still comes down to the little things making people happy. Like going for a walk with a partner and being silly. Or having the perfect bath. Or realising, as you’re sat on the couch, that you’re sitting next to the love of your life, even if you are only watching shitty TV together. Striving isn’t the recipe for success. Working hard isn’t the recipe for success. Any recipe that has one ingredient is going to turn out a bit shit, so why do we think it’s applicable to our lives? We’re forced to judge ourselves by other people’s standards and we’re surprised when those standards don’t make us happy. It is natural to have a crap day, or a crappy year, and it happens to everyone.

Aspirations are becoming homogenized, and everyone is scrabbling to avoid the same epitomes of failure. Do you want to live in a trailer for the rest of your life? Why the fuck not? Does it have 4 walls? Does it keep the elements out? Running water? Well, you’re doing pretty fucking well, mate. A common threat used in school was “you’ll end up pumping gas for a living if you don’t try harder.” And what? Do I have friends? Do I have food? Great, I’m sorted. We’ve been taught to be discontented. We shall never be happy because there will always be more, and even if there isn’t more to be had, that ‘more’ will be fabricated. The eternal carrot, always just out of reach. And I say all of this, but I don’t want to pump gas for a living. I want a job that satisfies me, I want all of these things that are being sold to me even though I hate what it stands for. Perhaps it is the human condition to feel constantly inadequate and we merely find new and creative ways to perpetuate it. It is probably what got us where we are today, for better or worse.

I wish I could wrap this diatribe up with something succinct, some concrete idea or solution. Unfortunately I'm still muddling through all of these ideas and I think the conclusion shall only make itself apparent when I no longer need an answer. Until then, I muddle on.

Our Little Family

So we have now been in Austin nearly 2 months. I am, however, still unemployed. Dave has dabbled in a few different positions; mover, line cook and now prep chef. He's working for a company that prepares and delivers veggie boxes, which results in Dave getting to take home excess. I have been holding out for one job in particular for which I have already had 3 interviews, plus given a presentation. It started by them sending me a questionnaire loaded with quirky questions, then 2 phone interviews, followed by 2 hours of interview, presentation and skill tests. I have one more interview, next week, and this I am told is the final step. I'm admittedly getting impatient with the process as I applied for this position within a couple of weeks of arriving in Austin. But they seem like a cool company and I'm hoping my patience is rewarded.

In the meantime much more interesting things have happened. Dave and I went out with a couple of mates and had a great time. We went to our first live, free Austin gig. We found an amazing pizza place set up on a farm and next to a brewery, complete with stage and wooden dance floor ready for the texas two step. We

found some of the best swimming holes in Austin. This was a surprise to both of us. I knew that there were springs all the way through Austin that are protected as the Austin Greenbelt, which is great (although as we can see in England, the greenbelt will eventually make way for urban development). This city has so much to offer, and now that we are down to our last pennies we are denying ourselves the greatest pleasures until we can do so guiltlessly. The picture to the right was taken on one of the highest points in Austin, hence being called Hill Country. There was a woman walking in front of us, up the stairs to the top of this hill. She was decked out in gym wear - not the type you would expect to hear complaining about the 20 steps we had to surmount to get to the top of this hill. I have never heard anyone complain so much about a menial amount of exercise. At least the really fat guy behind us just kept quiet and panted - and fair play to him as he obviously had more dignity than the high maintenance woman in front. Anyway, I shall kick my pedestal aside.

There was one thing we could no longer wait for though. It's something we have been talking about since we arrived in the states. We had always decided against it as our logic always won. But this is the first sign of  growing up for me. We got a cat. A beautiful, loving, playful little guy called Chester. We went to one of the many rescue centers around Austin and nervously walked in. We were both scared - taking on another life is not something Dave or I take lightly. This little bundle will be our responsibility for a long time. Not just his health, but his happiness and comfort. We had arrived on the day that they had started rehoming pets again after a particularly bad virus strain had hit the cattery. It was a sign. We went through lots of cats, and nearly didn't see our man at all. He was in a cage all his own and hadn't been pointed out by the staff. We instantly had a rapport with him. We were told he was 2, but found out later that he 5 or 6.





He was instantly at home with us. He had a look around the flat and then settled down to watch TV with us. Within minutes he was on my lap, purring contentedly. He's cuddly, but also playful. He gets in little moods if he doesn't get his way or if he's made to remove himself from a lap. He is an indoor only kitty - we were told he has FIV, which is a feline version of HIV. He should lead a full, healthy life as long as he doesn't pick up infections or viruses from other cats. I couldn't help but think of him in some alley with other alley cats, needles falling out of his paws as he sat in an opium induced ecstasy. But anyway, that's the crazy cat lady in me.

It has occurred to me that this cat is going to be around for all the next big things in my life. Getting married, having kids, perhaps taking up a space in a trailer with us! While many of my friends are already a few steps further up of the ladder of life, this is my first step onto the rung of responsibility. And you know, this will do for now. Actually, this will do for a while!

I promise to make my next post a little more interesting to other people. I'm working on a piece that's trying to get certain thoughts out of my head. America is a confusing place, and I feel I am particularly vulnerable to a particular kind of confusion. However, the more I read, the more I find out I'm not alone. So my next post will be a little more, or well, a little less...actually, just wait and see.

But in the meantime, I think one more picture of Chester is necessary to push it into the realm of a truly annoying cat post.